narealize ko lang na ayoko na

ayoko na pala. un lang ayoko na. nagsisisi ako bakit pako nagsayang ng oras sa pagbblog ng kung ano -ano nitong mga nakaraang araw kase pinapa-komplikado ko lang buhay ko. kaya aun binura ko na ung mga"ibang entries" ung "ilang taon nang due".. na narealize ko na di ko na dapat inungkat.. hala, nambulabog lang yata ako ng tao.. kaya aun para makabawi di muna ako magpaparamdam ng matagal.. kung pwede nga lang sana wag na kahit kailan.. kaso di yta pwede eh..


ang tinira ko na lang eh ung isa pa.. ung medjo "ngayon" ung "prologue" tska "chapter 1" (pero mdjo tago naman sya) dhil lang kase nagpromise na ko sa isang tao na hndi ko un buburahin.. don't worry di ko nga buburahin! tska pls wag ka magagalit! swear, may mga dahilan ako kung bakit .. ok lang din kase at least may remembrance ako.. reminder din na wag na ulit ako mag-eepal, maglalabas ng feelings or whatsoever.. kase papatayin ko lang sarili ko.. panahon na rin cguro pare bumalik sa dati kase mas ok pa rin pala ang tameme ung tinatago lang ang lahat sa loob kase at least walang masasaktan.. kung masaktan ka man at least ikaw lang nakakaalam..

My greatest fear.. it has happened.. and i guess i was caught off- guard.

I tried to be brave, let my defenses down and in the end realized that it was a very stupid thing to do.. it was as if i wanted to welcome all the pain..

It's that feeling that saps all of your strength, leaves you numb and cold. Your mind tells you, gives you a warning that your tears are going to fall anytime soon. But you refuse to believe, thinking you're some god who can actually defy the laws of emotion. And so, you pretend that you can actually think of "nothing" and then realize that's more stupid than trying to freeze your tears. You force your mind to think that you're filled with angst so you could fool yourself that you still have the strength to actually "feel" hate but again, you fail because instead, you feel even weaker, to the point of being helpless.

And when you feel helpless you just want to give up, surrender to the pain. You cling to your last flicker of hope.. the promise that time will come when you will be able to forget everything that has happened..

Today, I surrender.

I guess there's nothing left for me to do now but wait..

I will learn to forget.