trying to "open up"

diagnosed with tamaditis, i write this entry. i type sluggishly, my mind saying that i should stop because this is useless.. i'm wasting time, writing about nonsense to be able to escape what i really feel.. but then again i realize that it is through writing that i am able to express things that i can't openly say/show.. (again i can picture ms. psychologist sans the degree's smug face as if saying "see,i told you").. ahhh.. long story and besides, that's not important.. just that i realized that blogging indeed, helps calm my often confused emotions and extremely paranoid mind..


anyway.. i'm blogging so that means that something's bothering me right now..


"bothering".. ooh.. what an UNDERSTATEMENT..


Limbo. Flurry of emotions. whatever.


ahhhh!!!!!


I'm at the brink of losing my mind!


stress! emotional, physical, psychological! i badly need rest.. but it seems that now's not the time to rest.. to just let go..


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err.. yeah.. a lot of achievements.. fun at first but then, after some time you suddenly realize that it's not really "that" fun.. because all things, it seems, have a downside to it.. sorry.. i guess stress has already taken it's toll on me..


ahhhhh!!! i know i shouldn't be saying this..


it's just that "recent events" had greatly dampened my once ecstatic and hopeful spirit.. (whatever.. i hate my own words.. too cheesy.. uber-cliched.. yuck)

awayan at plastikan na walang katapusan!!! bakit ba di nalang magharapan at magmurahan, sabunutan kesa magpanggap na okay ang lahat with matching joketym parang interlude sa napakahabang dramahan at galit sa isa't isa!

ayan na naman.. di naman talaga ako directly "involved" sa issue na to pero naaapektuhan ako.. wla lang kase ang sakit sa heart (un oh..) na makitang nagkakaganito after ng lahat ng pinagdaanan.. at bakit ngayon pa, sa lahat ng panahon?

there, again, long story.. but it really pains me that everything must lead to this.. i've already learned to love these people so much.. i guess it's understandable why i'm feeling this way..

hindi tayo dapat nagkakaganito.. bakit nga ba? at tsaka kelan pa to nagsimula?


bakit lumaki ng ganito?...

it was as if i don't know them anymore..


it's that kind of situation wherein you feel like you've been hit right between the eyes and kablam!!


at first you feel dizzy, confused


then after awhile, you realize that you're deeply hurt


but then you try to get up, as if nothing has happened to prove to the world that you're tough..


yeah right..


but god, I AM NOT TOUGH.


and it drives me crazy everytime i realize that..


shet.. ang sakit talaga.